2. Save เลขหมายโทรศัพท์ ของคุณ ในมือถือของเมียโดย SaveName ว่า 'ข้าติดประชุม(โว้ย)' แทนชื่อของคุณ
3. เมื่อถึงเวลาเมียตามกลับบ้าน จะต้องโทรหาคุณ คุณไม่ได้รับเพราะ....ก็จะ Show Miss Call เมื่อ List ดูก็จะพบข้อความว่า 'ไอ้แก่ เอ็งอยู่ไหน ทำไม ยังไม่กลับบ้าน'
4. เช่นเดียวกัน คุณก็โทรหาเมียคุณ ๑ ตู๊ด แล้ววางสาย เมียคุณก็จะเห็น Miss Call เมื่อ List ดู คุณก็จะพบข้อความว่า 'ข้าติดประชุม(โว้ย)'
They, asked me how I knew My true love was true Oh.....I of course replied "Something here inside cannot be denied"
They, said some day you'll find All who love are blind Ah.....When your heart's on fire, You must realize Smoke gets in your eyes
* So I chaffed them and I gaily laughed To think they could doubt my love Yet today my love has flown away I am without my love
* Now laughing friends deride tears I cannot hide Ah.....so I smile and say "When a lovely flame dies, smoke gets in your eyes" Smoke gets in your eyes
MUCAS, a not so old photographer, with a lot of his gear... camera bodies, lenses, tripod etc.. went to a bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the him and asked ,
"Are you a real photographer?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life taking pictures - portraits, landscape, macro, life, supermodel black and white, infared - so I guess I am."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A little while later, a couple sat down next to MUCAS and asked him,
"Are you a real photographer?"
MUCAS replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian." ;-)
Rick Dockery was the third-string quarterback for the Cleveland Browns. In the AFC Championship game against Denver, to the surprise and dismay of virtually everyone, Rick actually got into the game. With a 17-point lead and just minutes to go, Rick provided what was arguably the worst single performance in the history of the NFL. Overnight, he became a national laughingstock and, of course, was immediately cut by the Browns and shunned by all other teams.
But all Rick knows is football, and he insists that his agent, Arnie, find a team that needs him. Against enormous odds Arnie finally locates just such a team and informs Rick that, miraculously, he can in fact now be a starting quarterback. Great, says Rick—for which team?
The mighty Panthers of Parma, Italy.
Yes, Italians do play American football, to one degree or another, and the Parma Panthers desperately want a former NFL player—any former NFL player—at their helm. So Rick reluctantly agrees to play for the Panthers—at least until a better offer comes along—and heads off to Italy. He knows nothing about Parma—not even where it is—has never been to Europe, and doesn’t speak or understand a word of Italian.
To say that Italy—the land of opera, fine wines, extremely small cars, romance, and Football Americano— holds a few surprises for Rick Dockery would be something of an understatement.
Aieressera, oì nè, me ne sagliette, tu saie addò? Addò 'stu core 'ngrato cchiù dispietto farme nun pò! Addò lo fuoco coce, ma si fuie te lassa sta! E nun te corre appriesso, nun te struie, 'ncielo a guardà!... Jammo 'ncoppa, jammo jà, funiculì, funiculà!
Nè... jammo da la terra a la montagna! no passo nc'è! Se vede Francia, Proceta e la Spagna... Io veco a tte! Tirato co la fune, ditto 'nfatto, 'ncielo se va.. Se va comm' 'à lu viento a l'intrasatto, guè, saglie sà! Jammo 'ncoppa, jammo jà, funiculì, funiculà!
Se n' 'è sagliuta, oì nè, se n' 'è sagliuta la capa già! È gghiuta, pò è turnata, pò è venuta... sta sempe ccà! La capa vota, vota, attuorno, attuorno, attuorno a tte! Sto core canta sempe nu taluorno Sposammo, oì nè! Jammo 'ncoppa, jammo jà, funiculì, funiculà!
==================================== Ah Beng : I am a Proud, coz my son is in Medical College . Friend: Really, what is he studying. Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are studying him.
========================================== Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night. DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok. Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.
=========================================== Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry? Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry? Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.
==== ===================================== Ah Beng : People consider me as a "GOD" Wife: How do you know?? Ah Beng : When I went to the Park today, everybody said,
Oh GOD! U have come again.
=========================================== Ah Beng complained to the police: "Sir, all items are missing, except the TV in my house." Police: "How the thief did not take TV?" Ah Beng : "I was watching TV news..."
========================================= Ah Beng comes back 2 his car & find a note saying "Parking Fine" He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole "Thanks for complement."
============================================= How do you recognize Ah Beng in School? He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.
=============================================== Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other. So the man asked h im why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.
=============================================== Ah Beng in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and Says "Hello, how did you know I was here?"
=============================================== Ah Beng : Why are all these people running? Man : This is a race, the winner will get the cup Ah Beng : If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?
=============================================== Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense Ah Beng : The future tense is "u will go to jail"
=============================================== Ah Beng told his servant: "Go and water the plants!" Servant: "It's already raining." Ah Beng : "So what? Take an umbrella and go."
=============================================== A man asked Ah Beng why Ahmad Badawi goes walking in the Evening and not in the morning Ah Beng replied Ahmad Badawi is PM not AM
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About two hours.'
The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber looked around at the shop and said,' About three hours.'
The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.'
The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, 'Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.
'A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, 'So where does that guy go when he leaves?'
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes from laughter and said,
A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors and nothing has worked until one day she was having lunch with a friend who referred her to a hypnotist who, according to her friend "works wonders on anything."
The woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "remember those headaches I have been having all of these years? Well, they are gone."
"No more headaches?!?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I DO NOT have a headache. I DO NOT have a headache." Believe it or not, it worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last several years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband is unsure he wants to do that, but agrees to try it. Following his appointment with the hypnotist, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He rips off her clothes, puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move. I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps on the bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back". He goes back into the bathroom, comes back a few minutes later for round 2 with his wife--even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning. "This is really great!"
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that he goes back in the bathroom.
This time his wife follows and sees him through the open crack in the door standing at the mirror and saying,
" She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's NOT my wife ! "
THIS IS A THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH PARTIES! NOT ONLY THAT. It's POLITICALLY CORRECT!!
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity .'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friend ly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
'I don't understand,' stammers the senator.
'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he'd be able to get home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, even offering his credit card numbers, drivers license number, address, and so forth, but to no avail. The cabbie yelled, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to catch a ride back to the airport.
Naturally, sitting at the end of a long line of cabs was his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the driver pay for his lack of charity, when he came up with the perfect plan.
He got in the first cab in line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he finally got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied, "fifteen bucks."
The businessman said "ok" and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says,
A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:
"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!" There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hard ly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store .
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
The 1st floor has wives that love sex.
T he 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.
A man kills a deer and takes it home for dinner. Both he and his wife decided that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it was but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what their meat was on their plates so they begged their dad for the clue.
หาเมีย: ต้นทุนระหว่างจีบ = 100,000 up ต้นทุนดาวน์ = 300,000 บาท up ค่าที่อยู่อาศัยให้ = 1,500,000 up ค่าพาหนะ = 600,000 up ค่าบำรุงรายเดือน = 50% ของเงินเดือน up
